Ride for a Q'ure!

One of the biggest (pun intended) and worst parts of Cushing's Disease is the weight gain. What people don't understand however that as easily as you can gain weight with Cushings because of high cortisol levels.. that's just as hard as it is to LOSE weight!!! The media has poopoo'd the idea that weight gain can be because of hormones because for awhile so many folks tried to use that as an 'excuse' and likewise with genetics. "I'm fat?! Well it's not my fault, I have bad genes and my hormones are crazy!".. so the shift was taken away from these ideas so that the individual again had to become responsible for their choices, for their weight and for their overall health. However, there are instances where weight really is beyond your control: Cushings. For myself and nearly all of my fellow Cushies, the harder you try losing weight, the faster you gain. Now I'm not saying the because of this you get free reign to eat whatever you want and never leave the couch, on the contrary, doing so would just leave us all even sicker than we are!! Because of our disease we try our hardest to do whatever it takes to improve our health since the disease and tumors seem to be running the show!!

So anyway, now that my cortisol WAS coming down, my endo had told me that it was time to try exercising again. In the past I've tried when my cortisol was very high and all that happened was that I gained weight. As a result she told me to stop trying because I was doing more harm than good. Now that it was lower again, I got the go-ahead to try again. I tried walking the treadmill but without proper help to manage my pain, walking is just too damn hard so I got on the bike one day. (We have a recumbent stationary bike). And to my surprise, it was much easier to ride for a few minutes than to walk! Why didn't I think of it sooner?! But I knew my motivation would run out quickly, so I came up with the idea for "Beth's Ride for a Q'ure!" I want another tattoo very badly, but of course don't really have the money for it, so I thought that I would ask for help! So for every 50kms that I ride, I ask for a sponsor to give me $10! By the end of 2000kms, I should have $400 which would be about enough for a tattoo and the one I want to get is a portrait of Quincy, hence the "Q'ure" part... I'm riding towards better strength and health and also towards a tattoo of my Q! I will likely get it on my left arm somewhere. That's where he sleeps most of the time, tucked snuggly under my left arm.. so this way I will always have him with me even when he's not with me! As I write this I'm at 47 kms, so very close to meeting my first goal! This challenge has really helped keep me motivated because I know that I will not only be letting myself down if I fail, but now I am accountable to many other people too! So I think I can, I know I can, and I WILL!!


Here's a link to my challenge on Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/events/277514258980880/


I still need sponsors, so please sign up to support me, or you can just say you're "Going" to show your support as well! Every little bit helps keep me peddlin' away!

Don't say it!

Well, I can honestly say I don't hear some of these things as much as I used to, but I can sure say I've heard them all at some point in the course of my sickness. Unless you've walked in my shoes, you'll just never know, I understand that, but that doesn't mean you have to be an uncaring asshole, does it?

I'm lucky I get to stay home in bed? How's that? Yeah, maybe for a day or two, or a week, tops.. but do you know how badly I wish I could get out and do things, just live? Do you know how much I wish I could go to the store for myself? Walk my dog? Play with my nephews? Have my own kids to take care of and play with? Buy my own food, clothes, etc? I rely on my parents for this still. The last time I saw a movie in a theater was in 2005. Since then, there's been times that I COULD have gone, but seriously, how can I justify going to a movie to sit in pain for 2 hours (not counting driving time which is also painful?) Any enjoyment of seeing a movie would completely be ruined by the torture necessary for sitting through it.. the benefits just aren't worth it. And oh, how I wish I could just do whatever I wanted.. I'd be back in school for sure, especially considering I only need two more classes for my degree. I've been saying it for years now, I'd work at McDonald's for the rest of my life if it meant I was healthy enough to actually do the job!!!

Before I got really sick and had to quit working and going to school, I was constantly complaining that I just wanted a day off! I was working M/W/F as scheduled shifts, had classes T/TH, but was picking up as many extra shifts as possible which at times (especially the last year) meant I was working M-Sat (I refused to work Sundays!), and whatever time I wasn't at work or school, I was doing homework, and actually, I always had textbooks with me at work and between calls, I was always reading and taking notes. I used my work holidays to write my exams and I used my school holidays to work more!! I took as many summer and spring classes as I could and I lived on this schedule for two years before I quit everything. I was completely burnt out, there's no doubt about that, but I was sooo close to the finish line, that I just wanted to get it all over with. Heh, so much for that.

Just pray harder. Lmao. Heard this one too. I was told I wouldn't be sick anymore if I just prayed! RIGHT! So THAT'S what I've been doing wrong all these years! I forgot to pray!! Seriously, for the amount of people who have prayed for me over the years, I should be healthier than a horse, and I should probably also live until I'm about 201 years old, at least. Yeah, I'll just pray a little more. (Note: I don't believe prayer will hurt my cause, however I certainly don't believe it will do very much in helping it!)

*sighs*..

Not on the list but heard a lot.. "Are you better yet?"... sometimes it's asked with genuine curiosity by someone who you've not talked to in awhile - in that case it's fine. But more often than not it's asked with an undertone of "Are you even trying to get better?".. "You couldn't be THAT sick!"... one of the most annoying questions that also goes along with.. "How are you?" Am I better yet? Hmm.. if I was better, do you really think I'd still be stuck at home, unable to work or go to school, or go out, or have fun, or do ANYTHING?? If I was better, I guarantee you I would not still be doing what I've been doing for the past 7 years!!!!! And 'How am I?'.. well which answer do you want? Do you want me to tell you the truth? To tell you how much pain I'm in, to tell you how horrible, weak, sick, and tired I feel, to tell you how frustrated with life I am, to tell you how sick of fighting for my life I've become, to tell you how jealous I am of the things other people get to do, to tell you how hard it is to do anything even showering or going to the bathroom or feeding myself, to tell you how lonely and miserable this disease can be, to tell you of all the dreams I can't achieve, to tell you all this? Or do you want me to put on my best smile and say "I'm okay, I'm good, I'm fine, I'm alright, I'm great, I'm swell, I'm hunky dory, I'm super".... which do you REALLY want to hear? I bet it's the second one. It's almost always the second one and because *I* know this and because *you* know this.. why do you even waste your breath by still asking? You could ask me if the sun rises each day, and we'd be just as far ahead at understanding how the world works. 

(Disclaimer: This rant is not directed at everyone in my life, chances are if you're actually reading this, it's NOT directed at you.)

Wait wait wait..

Getting so tired of waiting. After all that excitement before, this sucks! I did hear from another dr, from Dr. BERGSNEIDER at UCLA on Wednesday, November 23/11.. he said he thinks he could help, BUT, I need to send a cheque for $350 if I want to talk to him on the phone about it!! I'm thinking.. no? I've heard from 9 out of 11 drs now and he's the first one to ask for money! I was just speaking to the receptionist and she said "We received your package and I'm calling to see what you want from us?" and I felt like saying "DUH!".. I started to say I was looking for the dr's opinion and she cut me off saying "well, I can schedule you for an appt to come into the office".. I said "well, I live in Canada" she said "I know, so you will have to come into the office".. (Now I'm thinking she has NO CLUE where Canada is!!!), then I said "I'd just like to know if the dr even sees anything that he could do?" Her: "the dr has looked at your MRI and thinks he can help so, you can either come in for an appointment, or you can mail a cheque for $350, and then you have to email what's wrong with you and be as detailed as possible (I sent 4 pages of my history typed in a 9pt font - that's not enough??!) and a list of questions you want answered, and then the dr will call you back after he finds the answers to your questions, so it's up to you, but if you come into the office, you don't have to pay because insurance covers office visits".. now I'm trying not to laugh because the cost of a trip there would be a hell of a lot more than 350! So I just asked for the address to mail the cheque to just incase and thanked her for her time, lol. And when she gave me the addy and reminded me that they're in LA, I immediately thought.. "Hmm, dr to the stars, guess it makes sense I'd have to pay for their concierge services!" LOL! So at this point, I don't even intend to contact him again. If he can't even speak to me on the phone, I don't see him as having any huge interest in my case. I also never knew much about him to begin with. *shrugs*


I also finally heard from my endo's office last week. I just talked to the nurse who informed me that my endo has been emailing back and forth with my neuro. That REALLY pissed me off. When I told her about everything I was doing, I told it to her with the expectation of dr/patient confidentiality. Doesn't that apply here? I know they're both my drs, however there was nothing directly impacting my health care to make it necessary for my endo to tell my neuro, right? She also knew I had no intentions of telling him and that's why I asked her to order the MRI instead of just asking my neuro's office who would usually schedule them. Makes me so angry. I know it can't be undone at this point, and I also know that I still need her help, so for me to get upset with her, I would probably be the loser in the end anyway. My neuro apparently did highly recommend Gentili in TO if I was to go ahead with another surgery which I found odd since he was so adamant about not doing any further treatments?

Yesterday I received a huge package of all of my records! So, my endo did come through on that part. Unfortunately she wasn't able to obtain any of my disks from CTs or MRIs. I sort of expected that. They won't release them to anybody other than the patient, for a small fee of $50 a pop. Ugh. It's been quite the interesting read so far. In the records I got copies of most of the letters of correspondence between my family dr, my endo (old endo) and neuro. For one, my old endo tried to sell the other two that it was just PCOS I had even after my family dr ran tests showing my cortisol was high AND the tests my endo did disproved PCOS. My first ever cortisol blood was 1280 (norm 50-300).. months later when I was sicker, I had my first and only diagnostic urine done with the results of the 17OHs being 125 (norm 17-52) and my 24hr UFC was 9866 (norm said "up to 250")... so I was pretty damn sick at the time!!!

Then there was a letter from my neuro to my endo saying that I was "twitchy and wanted treatment".. what the hell does that mean?!! How about I was SICK, DYING and NEEDED treatment?!! Then a real interesting one was after I had already had gamma knife the first time and my endo wrote to my neuro basically saying that she only wanted him to consult, not to treat me! She wanted me to have a BLA and he wrote back saying that a BLA would have probably caused instant Nelson's and he felt gamma knife was the only reasonable treatment.. so it's nice to know that my neuro had my best interest at heart back then. The initial reading on my first MRI said that my pit was pushed over to the left and also that it appeared to have tumors diffused all through out and that's why my whole gland was radiated because none of it looked like it could be saved. It's just so weird reading this stuff now because back then, I wasn't educated about any of this, I had no idea what Cushings really was. At the time I saw my neuro for the first time, I knew one thing and one thing only, I was dying and needed help, whatever that help was, I wanted it NOW so I really didn't ask questions, I just accepted what I was told. I'm not sure I would have or could have done things differently even if I knew more... well, I guess there's not much point to speculating the what if's since I cannot go back to undo any of it. Oh, and my endo apparently told my neuro I was a diabetic, well controlled on meds?? Wtf? I've never been diabetic nor have I been on meds for it!!! Ugh, just yet another reason I'm happy to no longer be dealing with her!

I think that since I had a cold a little over a month ago, things really got shaken up in me. I've done labs twice now and my cortisol that was hovering around 900-1000 (norm 50-300) for the longest time has really been coming down. On November 2nd my cortisol was 665 and my ACTH was 9.7 (norm < 3, it was up to almost 30 before!!) and then after my cold on November 23 my cortisol was down to 554!!! I'm pretty sure my ACTH was still 9.7 for this one too, can't remember now and forgot to write it down. This past week I've felt like pure hell though, so weak, barely any appetite compared to usual, extreme pain, especially the pain in my side back with a real vengeance, and my skin is all clearing up, LOL (wow, one good thing in the mix of it all?! Why bother?!) I've also been doing some kickass sleeping for the most part which is nice after I went for weeks and weeks of only sleeping 4-5hrs per 24hrs. I'm really hoping that this means my numbers have come down even more, although I've not been in the bathroom much which usually happens with dropping? I need a damn home testing kit! I'm really starting to believe though that sending away my info to drs really scared my pit/tumor/adrenals, lol.. they started to worry about what I might do, and thus started to cooperate a little more! haha!!

In the meantime, I'm still waiting to hear from my endo again. I gave the nurse Dr. L's number in Seattle and she was supposed to contact him to find out info about the Pfizer trials. If my numbers keep going on this downward spiral, I won't qualify for the studies anymore, but it would be really nice to at least have a little more info, and also to be able to quit caber and see what happens and hopefully get into a trial. SOM230 looks much more promising for a long time 'cure' than does caber, especially when caber can cause me some serious heart problems with long term use at these high doses. I would like to get off of it if there's a better option out there. Ugh.. hurry up, dumb endo! I wish they would put themselves in our shoes, the patients'.. perhaps they'd see the urgency in things then.

Sooo... I wait.

I've adopted a new motto to live by... while I have many already, haha. But now I'm living strongly with the notion of 'when life gives you lemons, make lemonade'... I'm making a hella lotta lemonade! Drink up!